[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”0px|||||” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_heading title=”A fictional account, inspired by the voices of many mums. ” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” title_level=”h2″ global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_heading][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
For me, it\u2019s not pain in a sharp, stabbing sense; it\u2019s more of a disconnect. A longing. A wish to feel what you think you should<\/em> be feeling. What it looks like everyone else is feeling. Like grieving. Grieving something that you\u2019ve missed out on, and will now never have.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n For something to be so wanted, so planned, so very, very much yearned for.<\/p>\n Those precious first moments \u2014 the mere thought of them helped me get through the nausea, the uncomfortableness, the ugh<\/em> of pregnancy. The first skin-to-skin. The first smell of his hair. The first suckle at my breast. Those precious first moments that were supposed to be combined with an overwhelming sense of love.<\/p>\n That actually felt alien. Tinged with what I hate to say, but can only be described as disgust. There was a slimy thing on me, making noises that seemed to pierce my brain. It wriggled and I flinched away. I wanted to drop it, for someone to take it away from me.<\/p>\n But this was the happiest moment of my life. And I needed to remember it. So when the phone came out, I held it close and smiled.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-2.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 2″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-3.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 3″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Everyone looks at that photo and thinks the tears are of joy, that it is a beautiful capture of the raw love of the moment.<\/p>\n They don\u2019t know how sick I felt. How much I wanted it away from me. How much I wanted to peel it off and shower away the slime it left behind.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-4.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 4″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n This can\u2019t have been my baby. There must be a mistake. A mix-up. I love my baby. I loved every kick in my belly. This isn\u2019t my baby. That\u2019s why it feels so wrong.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n I know I sound ungrateful. But every time I look at him, I miss what I should be feeling. I grieve for what I should have, for what I do have – \u00a0but don\u2019t feel.<\/p>\n I am petty. I \u201cuse my dry sense of humour\u201d to make people think it\u2019s worse than it is. I love him really.<\/p>\n At least that\u2019s what my husband says. He doesn\u2019t understand. I have more feelings for our next-door neighbour\u2019s cockapoo right now.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-6.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 6″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-7.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 7″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n I feel like I must be the most wretched person on the planet.<\/p>\n Some days I cry about it. But mostly I just stare at one place until someone asks me how long I\u2019ve been sitting like that.<\/p>\n I know I\u2019m broken, that something has gone wrong in me.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know who I am anymore.<\/p>\n When they first started talking about me going to stay in a unit \u2014 to have a break, to not have to worry so much \u2014 it seemed like a great idea until I realised that it<\/em> was going to come with me.<\/p>\n Why it<\/em> couldn\u2019t have stayed at home, where it<\/em> was actually loved, didn\u2019t make any sense to me.<\/p>\n I needed to \u201cbond\u201d with baby, the said. I needed to not worry about anything else, like washing or cooking, and just focus on me and baby, they said.<\/p>\n I would rather have done the whole estate\u2019s washing.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-8.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 8″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”2_5,3_5″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”2_5″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-9.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 9″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Clearly I\u2019m just not cut out to be a mother. I thought I was. I planned for it. But my feelings say no.<\/p>\n And now it is stuck with me. It is going to be damaged too because it doesn\u2019t have a loving mother. It is lying beside me, and sometimes I wonder if the stuff they say about cot bumpers being dangerous is true. Sometimes I imagine myself buying them, tying them on, and waking up the next morning and it\u2019s just me again. No more it<\/em>. Maybe I will love the next one.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n I switch to me instead. If I wasn\u2019t here, it could go home. To people that loved him. To people that called him a name that suited him more than it<\/em>. If I wasn\u2019t here, it wouldn\u2019t be stuck here either.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n It has started smiling. Sometimes I smile back \u2014 more out of reflex than feeling \u2014 but everyone jumps on it.<\/p>\n \u201cOh look at you two, bonding, you\u2019re coming on so well. It\u2019s those giggles that get you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I don\u2019t know who I want to run away from more. It.<\/em> Or them.<\/em><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-10.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 10″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-11.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 11″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Once, when it cried, I put my noise-cancelling headphones on instead of picking it up.<\/p>\n Noise-cancelling my arse.<\/p>\n Somehow they made the screaming louder.<\/p>\n So now I wrap a pillow round my head and curl up in the far corner of the bed until one of the assistants picks it up and coos at it like it\u2019s cute.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”3_5,2_5″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n The communal lounge was scary at first, with all the other mums. I thought they were all looking at me wierd for being in here.<\/p>\n Then I realised it was understanding \u2014 because they were in here too. They got it.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”2_5″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-12.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 12″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-14.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 14″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n The afternoons were when partners could visit. Some stayed through to evening. In my first week, my husband came every day. I didn\u2019t know what to say to him. I felt betrayed. I didn\u2019t want him to touch me.<\/p>\n He couldn\u2019t come so often after that. The unit was a two-hour drive away and he had to go back to work, so he was only able to visit twice a week.<\/p>\n It was also the days he wasn\u2019t there that I wanted a hug the most.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n What would it be like without me? Better? Happier? Less screamy? It would probably grow up healthier. Having a mum that doesn\u2019t know how to love it \u2014 recipe for lifelong mental health problems. It\u2019ll probably be a drug addict by 13 or something.<\/p>\n Having no mother would be better than one that doesn\u2019t know how to love their own child, right? Plus, if I\u2019m not around, it could get an upgrade in a step-mum.<\/p>\n Not that I can do much about that in here.<\/p>\n Suppose that\u2019s the point.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-15.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 15″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-16.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 16″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n I started to feel a bit more myself in the peer support sessions, once I\u2019d learned I could say anything and at least one other person knew how I felt. Each word reciprocated felt like a weight off \u2014 a little bit of fog clearing.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-10.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 10″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n I\u2019m exhausted. Drained. Too tired to fight. Just going along with their plan. The routine is the same every day. It helps my thoughts, knowing what is coming next.<\/p>\n We are building \u201clittle moments\u201d. I\u2019m learning to call it he<\/em> and him<\/em>, even his name.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n The staff were starting to talk about home. That scared me more than being in here.<\/p>\n In here, if I can\u2019t face picking baby up after the third try at putting him down, there\u2019s someone else to help. Who would do that at home?<\/p>\n Home visits are difficult when home is so far away. We did hotel visits instead \u2014 just the three of us for a whole 24 hours.<\/p>\n But with no home or ward comforts, nowhere to escape from the crying because we were all in one basic chain hotel room.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t last the 24 hours.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-17.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 17″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-19.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 19″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n It felt like a huge step backward.<\/p>\n I cried and cried and cried. I was never going to get past this. I was never going to be who I was before having a baby. Life was ruined. I ruined my life by wishing for something and not realising how unprepared I was.<\/p>\n The team and the other mums were great. They gradually got me to see that I wasn\u2019t back at step one \u2014 I\u2019d taken a sidestep rather than a forward one, but it was all still progress.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Slowly, I began having little pockets of joy with my baby.<\/p>\n I began to learn that these were our<\/em> milestones. Not monthly picture cards on Instagram.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n We all decided that a weekend visit to our actual home would be better than another short visit to another strange place.<\/p>\n I cancelled three times before actually managing it. It was overwhelming at first. My parents arrived. My husband\u2019s parents arrived. I smiled until I literally fell asleep with exhaustion.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-20.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 20″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-21.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 21″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n When I woke up, it was just the three of us. Baby whined. Husband picked him up. I survived.<\/p>\n I felt like a zombie. I didn\u2019t realise how much the meds affected me. On the ward, it was the norm. I didn\u2019t see how much slower I was until I tried to put the kettle on and empty the dishwasher. I needed so many naps.<\/p>\n Back on the ward, a couple of the other mums who had had home visits said they felt similar.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Before I even knew it, it was time to go home \u2014 permanently. I should have been elated. But I was terrified.<\/p>\n What would happen when my husband went back to work and it was just me and baby?<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t just me and baby \u2014 not for a long while. My parents and siblings took shifts spending the day with me. I mostly slept.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/Story-Illustrations.png” title_text=”Story Illustrations” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-22.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 22″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n I missed the other mums. I missed people understanding when I flinched at my own baby crying.<\/p>\n My family was being supportive. But they didn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n I eventually found some support groups close to me. And while not everyone had been in a mum and baby unit, or even had a diagnosis, they got it. And the mix of their understanding each week with the physical support of my family is getting me through.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not who I was before. But I\u2019m becoming more OK with who I am now \u2014 at least some of the time.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-23.png” title_text=”HMF Story Illustrations 23″ _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n My baby is my baby. Sometimes he even looks like me. I do love him.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not quite the kind of love I thought it would be. Not the gushing absorbing world changing love I was told I would feel.<\/p>\n And I still grieve a little for that.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s a love that is growing.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Credits: Words & Story: Lucinda Bray, Illustrations: Canva AI, Music: Lucinda Bray<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” min_height=”323px” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta title=”Join a Support Group” button_url=”\/#support_groups” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” background_layout=”light” min_height=”38.5px” custom_padding=”37px||1px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_cta title=”Support Us to Support Mums” button_url=”\/donate” _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”#F7F77E” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”#ADAFAE” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or feeling like you want to die, it\u2019s important to tell someone.<\/p>\n \u2013 Samaritans \u2013 Phone: 116 123 Email: jo@samaritans.org If you need immediate help, and in the case of serious injury, call 999 or go straight to A&E<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" For me, it\u2019s not pain in a sharp, stabbing sense; it\u2019s more of a disconnect. A longing. A wish to feel what you think you should be feeling. What it looks like everyone else is feeling. Like grieving. Grieving something that you\u2019ve missed out on, and will now never have.For something to be so wanted, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2532,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2528","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mum-stories"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/HMF-Story-Illustrations-1.png","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2528","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2528"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2528\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2575,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2528\/revisions\/2575"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2532"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2528"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2528"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2528"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
I\u2019ll come out of it in a few weeks.<\/p>\nStaying Safe<\/h1>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\u2013 Contact your GP and ask for an emergency appointment
\u2013 Phone 111 out of hours and they will help you find the support and help you need
\u2013 Contact your local Access Liaison Integration Service (ALIS) team \u2013 Phone: 03001239015 or freephone: 08006522865<\/p>\n