[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” custom_padding=”0px|||||” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/sarah-addie-4.jpg” title_text=”sarah addie 4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” theme_builder_area=”post_content” hover_enabled=”0″ sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
There’s peculiar anguish of feeling suicidal whilst pregnant or as a new parent: the shame, the taboo, the bewildering loneliness, the chasm between others\u2019 expectations and what I was feeling inside, the complexity of being the vehicle for another\u2019s life when you want your own to end.<\/p>\n
One of the things that pushed me further from hope was the idea that I could not choose to end my life: because it was no longer my life to take. This paradox \u2013 that the very thing so often termed as a \u2018protective factor\u2019 was in fact a catalyst.<\/p>\n
My suicidal thoughts were not incidental to my status as a new parent rather they were fuelled or even created by it.<\/strong><\/p>\n The relentlessness of daily life, the resentment I felt to all those around me, the sense of my own life being literally and metaphorically sucked out of me, the loss of any identity, the lack of sleep, the permanence and inescapability of being a parent.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” custom_padding=”||36px|||”]<\/p>\n In many ways it also made it easier for others to minimise what I felt or what I was telling them. All too often low mood was normalised as part of the process, a natural hormonal response, an expected consequence of change and fatigue. The difficulty hearing and believing someone who feels suicidal with a new baby seemed even greater than it is at other times.<\/p>\n When I was admitted to a Mother and Baby Unit, the two most powerful factors in my (sort of) recovery were these. Sleep and being believed. Sleep helped me think and to find some release from the relentless darkness which surrounded me in waking hours.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_cta title=”%22The idea that I could not choose to end my life: because it was no longer my life to take%22″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” custom_padding=”||16px|||”]<\/p>\n The nurses, doctors and nursery nurses asked questions and were not afraid of the answers. Yes, they challenged my thinking, but they heard what I said and accepted that was how I felt. They did not tell me I couldn\u2019t feel like that or try to jolly me along with meaningless positivity.<\/p>\n The other key point I tried to get across was that there is no clear then and now. Suicidal and non-suicidal, past and present. I am never far from the hopelessness I felt then, and it still feels very present to me. I don\u2019t look back and wonder how I could ever feel that way, rather how anyone (myself included) manages not to. This will be very different for different people, but that is how it is for me.<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_cta title=”%22I am never far from the hopelessness I felt then%22″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” header_font_size=”28px” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][\/et_pb_cta][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]<\/p>\n That is not to say my story devoid of hope. Parenting becomes easier, and treatment has improved my mental health or at least the mechanisms through which I can cope. I found other places I could be honest and believed, chief amongst them at Happy Mums with my colleagues and other members. Nobody shares exactly how I feel and felt but they accept it.<\/p>\n I have also found that the continual effort of finding hope for others is far easier than finding it directly for myself, and in time it rubs off. I can see good in others even though I can\u2019t see it in myself.<\/p>\n Finally here is a poem I wrote quite a while ago about my time in hospital:<\/strong><\/p>\n In the shadow of the old asylum<\/span><\/p>\n Where the cold wind blows<\/span><\/p>\n Where the red brick turns to dust<\/span><\/p>\n And the thick bindweed grows<\/span><\/p>\n \n There you and I were taken<\/span><\/p>\n Into rooms lined with windows and locks<\/span><\/p>\n With the care plans and pills in their white paper pots<\/span><\/p>\n And the puff of the blood pressure cuffs<\/span><\/p>\n \n Those little walls they held us<\/span><\/p>\n And shaped us like cubes of ice<\/span><\/p>\n So when we were free and the sun shone free<\/span><\/p>\n We melted like dew at first light<\/span><\/p>\n \n To be held in those cold rooms still<\/span><\/p>\n With my mind crumbling free<\/span><\/p>\n And the meetings and plans with their points and demands<\/span><\/p>\n And their tiny pieces of me<\/span><\/p>\n \n That lay on the ground in splinters of ice<\/span><\/p>\n Shattered to dust in the snow<\/span><\/p>\n And catch the wintery light, so thin and so bright<\/span><\/p>\n And glint where the bindweed grows<\/span><\/p>\n \n One day we will lie on a soft bed of white<\/span><\/p>\n In rooms with no locks and no keys<\/span><\/p>\n The windows look clear on the blue summer air<\/span><\/p>\n And the dust moves in time with the breeze<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”#ADAFAE” custom_padding=”20px|20px|20px|20px|false|false” border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]<\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_cta title=”Join a Support Group” _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” hover_enabled=”0″ border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” link_option_url=”happymums.org.uk\/” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_cta title=”Support Us to Support Mums” _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”#F7F77E” background_layout=”light” custom_padding=”||6px||false|false” hover_enabled=”0″ border_radii=”on|12px|12px|12px|12px” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” link_option_url=”https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/supporterships\/” sticky_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_cta][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” background_color=”#ADAFAE” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.25.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]<\/p>\n If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or feeling like you want to die, it\u2019s important to tell someone.<\/p>\n \u2013 Samaritans \u2013 Phone: 116 123 Email: jo@samaritans.org If you need immediate help, and in the case of serious injury, call 999 or go straight to A&E<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There’s peculiar anguish of feeling suicidal whilst pregnant or as a new parent: the shame, the taboo, the bewildering loneliness, the chasm between others\u2019 expectations and what I was feeling inside, the complexity of being the vehicle for another\u2019s life when you want your own to end. One of the things that pushed me further […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[17,33,29,38,41,40],"class_list":["post-682","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mum-stories","tag-maternal-mental-health","tag-mental-health-support","tag-mother-and-baby-unit","tag-new-parent","tag-parenthood","tag-suicide"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/682","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=682"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/682\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":699,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/682\/revisions\/699"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=682"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=682"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/happymums.org.uk\/pl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=682"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Happy Mums provides peer support groups for mums and Mums-to-be to share how they really feel without judgement.<\/h5>\n
Staying Safe<\/h1>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\u2013 Contact your GP and ask for an emergency appointment
\u2013 Phone 111 out of hours and they will help you find the support and help you need
\u2013 Contact your local Access Liaison Integration Service (ALIS) team \u2013 Phone: 03001239015 or freephone: 08006522865<\/p>\n